I received this email last week, and with the approval of some Episcopal higher-ups and my ecclesiastical attorney I have decided to make it public:
Dear Sir,
ASSISTANCE REQUIRED FOR ACQUISITION OF VIRGINIA PARISHES
I write to inform you of my desire to acquire parish properties in Virginia on behalf of the Anglican Primate of the Church of Nigeria, Bishop of Abuja, and Archbishop of Province III.
Considering his very strategic and influential position, he would want the transaction to be as strictly confidential as possible. He further wants his identity to remain undisclosed at least for now, until the completion of the transaction. Hence our desire to have an overseas agent.
I have therefore been directed to inquire if you would agree to act as our overseas agent in order to actualize this transaction.
The deal, in brief, is that the funds with which we intend to carry out our proposed investments in your country is presently in a coded account at the Nigerian Apex Bank (i.e. the Central Bank of Nigeria) and we need your assistance to transfer the funds to your country in a convenient bank account that will be provided by you before we can put the funds into use in your country. For this, you shall be considered to have executed a contract for the Anglican Province of Nigeria for which payment should be effected to you by the Province, The contract sum of which shall run into US$25 Million, of which your share shall be 30% if you agree to be our overseas agent.
As soon as payment is effected, and the amount mentioned above is successfully transferred into your account, we intend to use our own share in acquiring more American parishes. For this too you shall also serve as our agent. In the light of this, I would like you to forward to me the following information:
- Your date and location of your baptism
- The ISBN of your Book of Common Prayer
- Proof of your heterosexuality
- (optional) any misgivings you have about "open communion"
Your quick response will be highly appreciated. Thank you in anticipation of your cooperation.
Yours faithfully,
Samuel Ajayi Crowther
Tangent: Okay, I admit it. I'm a fan of Nora, the piano-playing cat.
Labels: Anglicanism, parody, spam
What a weird thing.
You totally do not have an ecclesiastical attorney. Do you live in a time warp? Ok, admittedly, you pretty much do, but still. I have not found any evidence of this anachronistic 'ecclesiastical attorney' on the CCC Indy's website. Is that because the Internet does not exist inside the time warp? Can I reach this attorney by phone, or must I use a quill pen written letter sealed with wax carried by a courier on horseback to communicate with him regarding urgent matters of canon law?
This seriously can't wait, I need to know whether I can get my marriage annulled so I can marry somebody else and if I can't I am taking over the church no matter what that stupid canon law says because I am the freaking King of England.
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